Dead or Alive_Part One Read online

  “Until?”

  “Until she showed up very pregnant at the compound, eight months later, and claimed the baby was his.”

  My eyes widened.

  “Yeah… It was bad enough he’d stupidly cheated on Valentina, that he’d been able to feel something he shouldn’t for another woman. Now, he’d fathered a child with her, a woman who wasn’t his wife, and a child isn’t something you can just rid yourself of. I suppose he could’ve turned his back on her and denied her any help, considering he was already immersed in guilt and grief for what he’d done to his wife, but Papa made him own up to it. He made my dad promise that he wouldn’t let his child live or die on the streets.

  “Of course, you can imagine Papa was not so pleasantly surprised, especially after Daddy told him she was dead, but family came first, and while Calista wasn’t family, I was. The problem now lay in the fact that he was going to have to tell Valentina, who I should mention was very pregnant with Gio too, about what he’d done. His one-time affair couldn’t be a shameful secret he silently lugged around anymore.”

  “How’d he tell her?” I asked, moving across the bed to lie beside her, my arm falling across her stomach.

  “He didn’t; well, not how you think. Valentina went into labor just a couple weeks later. She had Gio bright and early in the morning, and while they were all fawning over and loving on the newest Scarsi, my mom was going into labor with me. She had me later on that night, in the same hospital, and from what Daddy told me, my bassinet was in the corner of the nursery, just a few feet away from Gio’s. Except mine didn’t bear a name, because my mother had already made it clear she didn’t want me. When he snuck away from the family to go see her, she told him to do whatever he wanted with me. She didn’t care. She just wanted to be on her way and pretend the last nine months never happened.”

  The smallest of tears rolled down her cheeks then. I wanted to comfort her, but I had no words. None. I was shocked to silence by her disturbing story. It was far worse than I’d imagined. So I just held her. I pressed myself as close to her as possible, rubbing my thumb along the dip of her waist, my face buried in her neck. We lay there for quite some time, her body shuddering in my grasp as she restrained herself from sobbing over the woman who abandoned her without a batted eyelash. I didn’t expect her to finish regaling me with the rest nor did I plan on pressing her, but on a deep, shaky breath, she rolled onto her side, with tears rimming her eyes, and clenched my dirty, blood-stained tee in her fists.

  “After an in-depth discussion that included my mother never coming within one foot of me, Daddy took me into his sole custody. Of course, there was official paperwork that would need to be filed but the nurses were well-aware of what the situation was. I was never again to be taken into Calista’s room the remainder of her time in the hospital. Nestled in his arms, Daddy walked me into Valentina’s room and confessed everything. The poor woman had just given birth to their third son and here he was, presenting her with another baby, admitting to an affair with a homeless prostitute who’d been a mark on his list.”

  “That couldn’t have been easy for either one of them,” I managed, holding Eden tightly, one hand threaded in her hair.

  She shook her head against my chest, sniveling ever so slightly. “It wasn’t. Valentina cried a river of tears, as justly expected, but then she took my dad and Papa by surprise when she asked to hold me. She didn’t make a single comment regarding his infidelity, she just stared at me, cradling me close, as she’d done to Gio. Alessio and Matteo flocked around me too, curious as to who this other baby was. It was she who told them I was their baby sister and it was she who named me. On a total whim, she told Daddy I looked like an Eden, a little delight, and it just…stuck. Despite the heaviness weighing on her heart, she took me in as her own, loved me as her own. And then she died, leaving not alone me motherless a second time, but the boys too.”

  “Cancer, right?” My question came softly.

  Eden hummed, pulling away from me. “When Gio and I were two.”

  “And you never heard from your mom again?”

  “Never. I don’t even know if she’s alive or not.”

  “You don’t need her, Angel,” I said, reaching out to wipe away the last of her tears. “You don’t need her to be a mother. If anything, you’ll be a better parent than she ever could’ve been because you know what not to do.”

  “How though, X? Look at me, think about all that I’ve done, what I’m capable of,” she stressed, her gaze drifting back toward the ceiling.

  “Your past doesn’t define you, Eden. You’re more than that. You have a big heart, you’re patient, understanding. I couldn’t imagine anyone else being the mother of my child.”

  “There’s a million other women far more capable and better fitted.”

  “And not one of them are you.” I shifted myself on top of her, pressing her into the mattress. “I love you, not them. We made this baby, you and I, out of a love that’s in a league of its own. Don’t you see all the good this little life can bring—a new beginning in so many different ways.”

  “I want to, but I’m…I’m scared,” she admitted, her trembling lip a testament to depth of her fears. “What if I’m just like my mother? What if all these months pass and then I give birth, and I feel absolutely nothing? What if I fuck everything up, us included?”

  “I’m scared too, Angel. I think any new parent is, and what we’ve been through only makes it worse. But the point is, you’re not your mother. You’re far better than her. Not only that but think about it…we don’t have to run anymore. We don’t have to worry about who does or doesn’t approve of us being together. This baby, our baby, is the silver-lining to every obstacle we’ve faced, and I know once you meet our Lil’ Bit, you’re going to fall in love, and you’re going to be the best mom in the whole world.”

  Eden chuckled softly, arching a curious brow, and the small smile that tilted her mouth ignited the smallest flame of hope. “Lil’ Bit?” she asked.

  I bounced a shoulder. “Don’t ask, it just came out.”

  “I kind of like it,” she said, pulling out the folded sonogram from her back pocket, holding it out for both of us to see. “Promise me you won’t let me be a shitty parent, X.”

  Pinky-fucking-promise, Angel. We’ve got this. Daddy Royce will lead the way.

  A week had come and gone since we first found out about Lil’ Bit. An entire week, which meant I was just seven days away from the two-month mark and only seven months left until a baby would be placed in my arms—a pure and innocent little baby. A baby who would need constant care and love. Who I’d be responsible for raising into a responsible adult with sensible values. Someone with a strong work ethic and a good heart. Someone like Xander. I had no doubts he could do this, more than likely with his eyes closed. But me? The trained assassin who’d taken hundreds of lives, whose mother dumped her in a hospital bassinet without a single care? How was I ever going to do this? Even with Xander by my side, how could I ever be everything this baby would need? Yes, I realize parenthood was a learning experience for everyone. For some, it came far more naturally than others. But did it ever come at all for those who didn’t want children? That natural motherly instinct; was it real?

  “Stop dwelling,” Xander said suddenly, as he joined me in the shower bright and early in the morning. If I hadn’t heard the door, he would’ve scared the absolute shit out of me. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. That, or I’d woken him up with my tossing and turning since five a.m. At a quarter past six, I finally gave up on going back to sleep and decided on a shower.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I feigned nonchalance, squirting a dollop of shampoo into my palm. He’d uttered those same two words right on cue countless times over the last week. How he always knew when I was falling down the rabbit hole, I don’t know.

  “Well, I do. I know exactly what you’re doing in that mind of yours—tearing yourself down, doubting all
we’ve discussed. Give it up already, Angel. Everything is going to be fine. I promised you, right?”

  “You say that every time,” I pointed out, working the shampoo into my hair, and he smirked, sticking his head under the spray.

  “Because it's the truth.”

  “Another thing you say every time.”

  Xander shrugged and a sexy scrub of his hand down his face revealed that smile. That damned smile. My hands froze at my scalp, stomach fluttering. The second my eyes swept over his body, I was done. There he was, dripping wet. Naked. Long and thick. Half-hard. Mine.

  Yeah, I’m wet, and I don’t mean from the shower…

  Trepidation and uncertainty flew out the window faster than it’d set in. I was ogling him so hard and I didn’t even register him pressing me into the wall of the shower until my back prickled against the cold tiles.

  “Is this better, Eden?” he asked, the tip of his nose skating up the curve of my neck, hands flat on either side of the wall beside my head.

  “Huh?” He hadn’t touched me, and I was already dazed, confused.

  “You were looking at me like I wasn’t close enough, so I’m asking you if this is better.”

  “You’re an instigating tease,” I breathed.

  “I’ve done nothing except get in the shower with you,” he fired back, keeping himself still. No part of him was touching me yet I could feel him everywhere.

  “Exactly—you got in the shower with me. Naked. All wet and irresistible.”

  “You mean, like you.” He smiled again, his gaze trickling down the curves of my body.

  “See? Instigating tease.”

  “Why, because I know you better than you know yourself? Like how you love it in the morning? How I fill you, stretch you out slowly, precisely. It was written all over your face the second I got—”

  “T-E-A-S-E,” I spelled out, interrupting him with purpose, scrunching my eyes closed.

  The vividly detailed images Xander could put in my head would make a porn star blush bright red. He didn’t have to lay one finger on me to make me a weak mess. The mere huskiness of his voice did it often; the smoldering haze of lust in his eyes too.

  “Just say the words, baby. Say the words and I’ll clear your mind, get your day started properly,” he murmured, knowing full-well I’d beg in a heartbeat. Morning sex was my favorite, especially in the shower. It was right up there at the top of my must-have list with a steaming mug of coffee.

  Soapy suds trailed down my skin from my hair. I wound my arms around his neck and brought one leg to his waist.

  “Fuck. Me,” I emphasized slowly, to which he lifted me effortlessly, growling out, “With. Fucking. Pleasure.”

  Hands clenched around my ass, he all but dug me into the shower tiles before my breasts were trapped in his grip. His dark head dipped low as he sucked a nipple into his mouth, flicking the rigid peak with the tip of his tongue just the way I liked it. I liked it so much, I could feel it between my legs, as though he were tonguing my clit. The soft moan that bubbled in my throat was irrepressible, echoing off the bathroom walls, and the last thing I saw before my head lolled back was his appeased smirk. He hummed at my response to his onslaught, his fingers tweaking the other nipple, rolling and pinching it deftly before trailing down my stomach to the apex of my thighs. Warm lips crashed into mine while his hands explored, sinking a digit in here, stealing a little ass grab there.

  Every little thing he did to me felt amazing. It always did, always had, always would. Or at least, I hoped it would.

  “Don’t get used to this. Pretty soon, I’ll have a giant globe attached to my stomach,” I said on a whim, idly wondering how much pregnancy would change our sex life.

  “We’ll work around it, trust me,” he gritted out, sliding inside me to capacity with one swift thrust that left me gasping for air.

  You know how the rest goes from here; he had his wicked way with me until I was left sagging in his arms. I could barely stand upright the remainder of our shower, clinging to him in a blissful sated state as he went about washing us both. Then he discarded me on the bed—still soaking wet, I should add—and did it all over again. Needless to say, I was a pile of mush by the time he had his fill and if it wasn’t because my body was screaming for some sort of food and caffeine, I would’ve passed out until the early afternoon.

  Pushing at his chest before he could rev himself up for yet another round, I rolled Xander off me and rose onto jelly-like legs in search of some clothes. “I need coffee, stat.”

  “And breakfast. Should I call for room service?” he asked, lacing his arms behind his head.

  Gag.

  “Ugh, no, please. I’m so tired of their food. How ’bout something from that little café down the street?”

  “We can do that. Do you wanna eat there?”

  “No, I mean I’ll go and come back. Serve you breakfast in bed,” I quipped with waggly eyebrows, throwing on a mustard yellow sweater and a pair of distressed jeans.

  “You’re gonna go alone?” He didn’t sound too thrilled, despite the last portion of my suggestion.

  I hitched a shoulder en route to the bathroom for a comb. “Yeah, why not. It’s literally a three-minute walk. I could use some fresh air.”

  “So why don’t we just eat there?” he pressed, prompting me to poke my head out.

  “Why don’t you want me to go alone?”

  Xander held my stare for several moments, wordlessly. “It’s not that I don’t want you to go alone… I just… I don’t know. I don’t have a reason. I’m just so used to being with you at every turn.”

  Melt me some more, why don’t you, baby.

  I couldn’t hold back my smile, pressing myself against the doorframe with my arms crossed. “You can live without me for ten minutes.”

  “I’d prefer not to live without you at all, but fine. Go,” he conceded. “And be careful, will you?”

  “Yes, Daddy, I’ll be careful,” I snickered, stealing back into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

  Ten minutes later, I was happily strolling into the busy café at the end of the block. The line nearly reached the door with a blend of customers from businessmen to students, even stay at home moms with their kiddos in tow. Hopefully, I wouldn’t be here too long; otherwise Xander was likely to lose his shit and race down here. Taking my place in the back of the line, I began reading over the menus to speed up the ordering process once I made it to the counter. Everything sounded appealing and the delicious scent of coffee wafting through the air sent my stomach in a rumbling frenzy. A buttery croissant and caramel macchiato sounded like absolute heaven. I was practically salivating at the thought of sinking my teeth into its flaky crust. There’s a good chance I would’ve been wiping drool from the corners of my mouth too, had someone not bumped into me, irritating me in an instant. I swiveled around to stare down the offender, only to freeze dead in my tracks at who said offender was.

  “Daddy,” I squeaked, my eyes bulging in shock.

  “It’s nice to see you too, Eden,” he deadpanned, straightening out his signature black blazer.

  I couldn’t speak to save my life. I just gaped at him, my mouth falling slack the more I realized he wasn’t a figment of my imagination. He’d followed me here, and I suspected Alessio was to show up at any moment, but a quick glance around the café revealed anything but. Alessio wasn’t anywhere to be found, unless he was waiting somewhere outside. I didn’t know what the hell to do. Surely, I wasn’t hungry in the slightest anymore. This was a fight-or-flight situation, though fighting was technically out of the question, unless I wanted to draw attention toward us.

  Flight it is.

  Without another word, I bolted out of the café, not bothering to check the streets for any sign of Alessio. I just ran, everything around me whooshing by in a white blur. I almost slammed headfirst into a couple on their way out of the hotel, racing past them to the stairwell with a rushed apology thrown over my shoulder. I took the steps two at tim
e, nearly folding over out of breath when I made it to the third floor. Sucking in a heap of air, I pushed myself down the hallway and banged my fists on the door of our room.

  “X, it’s me,” I blurted out, desperate to get inside before Daddy showed up again. If he followed me to the café, he had to know we were staying here.

  Xander threw the door open, his brows furrowed in alarm as I pushed my way inside.

  “What the hell happened?” he asked, throwing the locks in place.

  Pacing the foot of our bed, I ran my hands through my hair. “My…my dad.”

  “You saw him?”

  I nodded.

  “And? What did he say?” he hedged.

  “I don’t know. I left before he could say a word.”

  “Was Alessio with him?”

  I shook my head, stealing a peek out the window. “No, he was alone.”

  “You need to call him, Angel,” Xander advised, nearly giving me the worst case of whiplash as I spun around to face him.

  “What? Why?”

  “Because we don’t have to run anymore, remember? I know we haven’t figured out what we’re gonna do once we get home, but the point is, we can go home,” he explained, gripping me at the waist. “We can’t do that if they don’t know, though. The last thing we need is for them to make a scene at the airport.”

  I almost couldn’t believe he’d just suggested giving ourselves up, but deep down, I knew he was right; we didn’t have to run anymore. Lil’ Bit was the game changer. Forbidden or not, we belonged together. We were always meant to be. Fate had written us in the stars long before our paths crossed. And there was no stopping us now.

  “What do I tell him?” I asked wearily.

  “That we need to talk.”